The conflict of being homosexual and Christian. My experience, my poems.

I want to try to explain how hard it is to be gay and Christian.
The page is about my life as a homosexual and a Christian and the struggle it entailed.
I have now left the gay lifestyle since 2013/2014.


By Carl Grinde | April 4, 2014
Updated October 18 2023


God loves you who are gay or lesbian!
I have quit the gay lifestyle but I have nothing personal against you who live as gay, bi or transsexual. I don't look down on you as an LGBT person. I myself have lived a life as a homosexual and I have lived with the frustration, the pain of not fitting in, the feeling of being different and strange, etc. I also know that when you're gay, that's just the way it is. You only want intimate closeness, sex, kisses, love etc. from people of the same sex, not the opposite because that feels completely wrong. You can't just push a button and become straight even if you want to. Now it is that I no longer live as a homosexual and it is because God can actually "push a button", if you let him. He knows everything. Jesus Christ has changed my life and my sexuality and given me feelings for women but also the ability to live in total sexual abstinence, which I have been doing indefinitely since the turn of the year 2013/14. That I would stop having sex and relationships with guys I would never have thought possible before, I was so addicted to sex. God knows everything and it is amazing when you begin to understand that he exists.

I am sorry that I behaved like a hypocritical Pharisee in various ways. Spreading God's love has been my ambition anyway, but I have often failed. I still believe that homosexuality is a sin, wrong and against what the Bible teaches and against the will of God but I know that God LOVES ALL PEOPLE! And that of course applies to you who are gay, lesbian, bi or transgender. I myself can have homosexual feelings/dreams sometimes but they come very rarely nowadays and I never act on them. God loves you who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.
But my advice is that you stay away from the gay club culture that is so full of sexual immorality, drugs, porn, etc. Look to Jesus. He loves you. Yes indeed!


God is both love and justice
If you study the Bible, it is clear that God does not like homosexuality or same-sex marriage. But still, I think he looks at the homosexual's situation in everyday life. The situation for the person who is homosexual and Christian and finds out that the Bible completely condemns such a lifestyle and such actions can become completely untenable. What to do with yourself then? Even if you don't have sex and choose to live celibate, you still have the sexual feelings. After all, they exist with one in everyday life. As a Christian, you don't want to think about things that God hates and things that are sinful. And then your whole body screams for just that. It almost becomes as if you have to stop breathing in order to have a clear conscience. I think unfortunately many homosexuals have committed suicide because of this. If you preach truth (God hates sin) you must also be loving (God loves the sinner.)

In the fall of 2013, I got a fresh start in my spiritual life. I have approached the Bible and its message of salvation through Jesus Christ, grace and forgiveness. God's love is truly great! No one can love like him. This is why I am drawn to Christianity and Jesus. In addition to grace and salvation, the Bible also talks about sin, hell, that God will judge all people on the day of judgment. The Bible mentions homosexual acts several times and condemns such a life. God's word says that homosexuality is a sin, that God disapproves of it. I've been openly gay for 20 years and I love sex and if I'm going to give up my gay lifestyle and stop living as gay there has to be a really, really good reason. And there it is. Jesus Christ the Messiah. I have experienced him. He loves us all. God loves you! He is the ruler of the universe and he knows what is best for us. God is the best.
I don't hate gays, and I don't hate myself. I think homosexuality is a very difficult issue. If you choose to believe the Bible as God's holy word, then you confess the Bible as divine authority. You give the Bible the right to judge you and correct you because it is the word of God. I have now chosen in 2013/2014 to live according to the Bible. I believe homosexuality is a sin because the Bible says so in several places. Of course I have been very disappointed and angry with the church. I felt oppressed and rejected. Jesus had the ability to speak to people and exhort them to stop sinning without at the same time condemning them. I wish we could all be like him.


Jesus had the ability to speak to people and exhort them to stop sinning without condemning them. I wish we could all be like him.


We Christians must preach the word of God in truth and in love, not in hatred.


The inner conflict of being gay and Christian
My life has been affected by the inner conflict of being gay and Christian. I have really hated myself which is very sad. A part of me really loved Jesus, the Bible and God and honestly wanted to do God's will, to live by His morals and His commandments. The other part of me, my body wanted to do the opposite, have sex with men and live in sin. We are always sexual beings, even if we don't have sex. We always have our sexuality within us wherever we go. We all have a sex drive, a libido. What should you do with yourself when that part of you does not harmonize with your morals? What should you do with yourself if you are homosexual, and you believe that homosexual acts and relationships are sins and against God's will? Even if you choose to live celibate, you still have your sexuality within you. You may start blaming yourself and hating yourself because of things you feel or think, the body's own reaction in daily life. We are sexual beings even outside the bedroom. I don't have an easy or smart answer here. What I can say is how I have lived my life. Sometimes in my life, for the most part I have accepted my homosexuality and lived it out. I have lived as an openly gay man for 20 years. But by accepting the homosexual lifestyle, I also chose to ignore the Bible. It turned out that I thought it wasn't really that important so I could have sex with as many people/men as I wanted, and watching porn wasn't a problem either. So when I look in the rearview mirror of my life, I see that my homosexual liberalism also led me into obvious sins, watching porn for example and promiscuity, casual sex.


Although it was not my intention from the beginning, but accepting my homosexuality as something positive also led me to accept pornography and promiscuity, two obvious sins. It is quite representative of the majority of the LGBT gay culture, the homo community ..and for a great many heterosexuals.


I have also had periods in my life when I have lived according to what the Bible teaches about homosexuality and during these periods I have attended churches and prayed often. These "Christian periods" in my life can be divided into two parts: (A) fairly bright and positive periods of harmony with myself and God. (B) periods of feeling unhappy, lonely, depressed and kind of mentally ill. Yes, of course, I have also been able to feel bad even when I lived more in sin. For a heterosexual person, this conflict can be difficult to understand. You can't really run away from yourself or push a button from gay to straight. Ok God can change a person's life, but it takes time. Actually, it feels like God is working in my life. I can now have sexual feelings for women and it is a completely new experience for me. I thank Jesus for this and ask him for more. Maybe there are several different reasons why people become homosexual? Maybe some heterosexual people just feel like playing a little sometimes? Cultural values ​​can influence this behavior. For example, the female artist Kate Perry's song "I kissed a girl and I like it". A straight female friend of mine said: Maybe I should try too? In reference to Katy Perry's song. Perhaps there are biological factors involved. No, I'm not afraid of labels regarding sexual behavior. I think it's good that we can use words to describe reality. Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual.. most of us know the meaning of these words. Some queer theorists and gay activists go crazy and they hate these words it seems. Anyway, when I was a teenager I didn't want to be gay. Not at all. But I was. It wasn't quite as widely accepted as it is today. Later in life I learned to accept it because it was who I was. I came out as gay quite early, around 19 years old. When you look at me and this blog I do, you can see two people. A man who wants to live as a gay person, this is the younger me. The other doesn't want to do it anymore because of what the Bible teaches about homosexuality and that God says homosexuality is a sin. I have been two people in different periods of my life. Sometimes I have given more energy to one of them. Sometimes I have given more energy to the other. Because my will to obey God has been so strong, this conflict has almost driven me crazy. It is not an easy thing. I now live with a diagnosis and have been hospitalized for a few rounds. When you read my poems and see how much I have been affected by this conflict, you might think that we should all accept a homosexual lifestyle after all. To make it easier for gay people who struggle with their identity. no matter how you look at it, living as a homosexual often also means accepting all kinds of sins in your life. Homosexual activities and events are usually focused on sex, sin, nightclubs, superficiality, drugs, pornography, etc.
The Bible never blesses a homosexual relationship. The Bible always condemns homosexuality and says it is a sin. This is what I can see when I study the Bible. The new translations may say otherwise, but in such case I think they are corrupt.
God loves all people, but He hates sin. We cannot change God on this matter. That's how he is. In this life we ​​all have the chance to create a friendship relationship with God. God gives us all this chance in this earthly life. I think we should strive to follow God's word, the Bible. And we should all encourage, love, support, help each other, guide each other. We should also give correction if necessary, but hating one another is not what Jesus wants us to do. Well sure, preaching the true gospel of salvation, sin, heaven and hell in a world of atheism, liberalism and sin can make people hate you. But let the hate be their business, not yours.

Here are poems I wrote

I have been sad and lonely quite a lot in my life. But not always. I have had happy periods too. My childhood, for example, was very happy, but I have also been happy many times as an adult. I think my teenage years were the worst, like being 16, 17. Actually, at times I've been mentally ill or what to say. Just been depressed, lonely and sad. I've gone out into the woods alone on dark nights, looked at the moon and stuff like that. Thinking of God.



The thirsty girl
A girl is sitting by a table. She is thirsty. In front of her on the table there is a glass of water. Still she does not reach for it. She knows that if she will reach out her hand, the glass will dissolve and disappear into thin air, just because it's her hand that is reaching out. After a while, the girl realises that this just an obsession and not true. She reaches out her hand and the glass dissolves and disappears into thin air.



"It"
I'm suffering from a strange disease, confusion.
It's like a poison spreading in the body and when I think of it, it grows.
Finally it is the confusion that stares back at me.
"It" must not be me.
When I sleep my body slips apart and is completely removed in some places.
Waking up in the morning is a chocking experience with loose body parts in the bed.
I have to lay for one hour in order to become whole and get out of bed.



Reflection
I must analyze, I have no other choice.
The analyze takes five minutes. The rest of the day I spend building castles and gardens out of dust.
Now the castles and the gardens are ready.
I dress myself and get out.
The air is fresh and nice to breathe.
As I watch the sun moving down on the sky I realize: time stands still, It's only the room that is moving itself.
When the day is over I go to bed.




Who am I?
-Who's asking?



The blind plumber
There was a man who had mold damage in his house. This was because the water lines were old and rusty and leaking water in several places.
This had been going on for a longer while and the mold smell was now so severe that it nearly drove the man out of the house.
Then he contacted a plumber. But when the plumber came something really strange happened.
At the moment he entered the room the man saw that the moisture damage on the walls disappeared. The pool of water by the stove drew itself together and disappeared slowly through the floor.
The holes in the water pipes was sealed and the rust was erased like by an invisible hand. The plumber approached the sink and took the tools out of his bag. He looked surprised at the good and shiny pipes. Finally, because he could not find any damage he gave up. Puzzled he looked at the man. Then he packed his tools in his bag and went home. On his way out he stopped for a short moment in the vestibule. Was there a smell of mold? When he had shut the door behind him all things became as they where before.


The poem "The blind plumber" is about unhappy love but also a person in the need of help.
The man in the house is me, being lonely and sad, almost going crazy. The plumber is a heterosexual guy in my class that I fell in love with.
He was a christian and I told him about that I was homosexual and in love with him and that I also felt very lonely sad and depressed, in the need for help and company.
He was a very kind person but at the same time my problems were to big and became unpleasant for him to think of. Moreover, I was in love with him so the only thing he could feel was disgust I guess and a bad feeling about being with me. At the same time he wanted to be nice to me so he repressed my whole situation. He just wiped it away. He closed his eyes. He had to. I understand this now afterwards. What should he have done? Become gay and married me? When I showed him this poem and told him what it was about he dropped out of school for 3 days. We have no contact today.


What is stuttering?
A person who stutters is a person who can't speak correctly. The speech sounds strange and weird. Proper speech shall be clear and precisely and without any slip of the tongue. God has given us tongue, lips, glottis so we can speak to eachother. Then what can you say about a stutterer? What is happening in the moment someone stutters? Somebody is performing an act that is wrong. Just because the act is wrong you can't put any moral aspect upon it. One can simply state that something is not right. Should one speak if one has a speaking problem? Or should one live in silence?


I wrote this poem "What is stuttering?" when I was perhaps 22 years old or so, don't know exactly. I wrote it because I wanted to say how it feels to not fit in the mainstream norm, to be different and to be gay. I also wanted to justify homosexuality when I wrote it. This is my own poem, It's not from God. What I think now is that homosexuality is a sin and something that God does not like. But he loves all people and he loves me. And also, what shall a homosexual person do with him/her self if he/she can not feel relaxed about who he/she is? If you look at it, something that would help is if we all say that homosexuality is ok and that God also likes homosexual relations. Then all gay people can relax. But I just can't find this in God's word. I can't find any place in the Bible where God blesses or likes homosexuality. Rather the opposite actually. God hates it and condems it. So therefore I can't say that homosexuality is ok.
What I can say is that homosexual people are ok. We all have the right to live and be respected. We all have the right to go to church. The more people that dares to say that they are gay, the more easy for others the situation becomes.
You have heard what I think anyway. Many homosexual people in churches suffer. In many countries they are killed. This is awful.
But times has also changed. Now I think that it's Christians and Bible preachers that will be killed and put in prison. The Fema camps are ready, the NDAA act signed. All they need now is a fear factor.

Babies born with Disorder of Sex Development (DSD)
Each year there are a percentage of people born with an indefinite gender identity. These persons need help, support, medical treatment, perhaps surgery, not judgment. It must be a terrible feeling for them.
(bbc.co.uk) "After Janet was born, it was difficult to tell if she was a boy or a girl. "When my grandfather learned there was a question of my sex, it was suggested by him that they just let me die," she says. Now in her 50s and a mother of two, she was born with a womb, ovaries and female genes but her genitals and hormones were partly masculine. She was diagnosed with congenital adrenal hyperplasia, a DSD where her body makes too much testosterone."
(bbc.co.uk) "babies born with some form of Disorder of Sex Development (DSD) happens in one in every 1,500 births"


Is the sexual affection between a man and a woman meant to be?
Are the sexes meant to be opposites?
Is life meant to be?


I think the answer on these three questions is yes.
The poem "What is stuttering?" is about homosexuality. I think the sexual affection between a man and a woman meant to be. I think the sexes are meant to be opposite.
It's not a coincidence, it has not happened by chance. God created life. For him we all have the same value. He loves us. He want's us to love him.

I don't believe in Charles Darwin's theory of evolution
I don't believe that life was created only by chance out of nothing. I believe in creation and that God created the world with a purpose. There is a meaning of life and there is a meaning with our existence. There is also a meaning with our physical bodies, our brains, minds, sexual organs etc.
God has chosen a very cool way for life to become into existence. A man falls in love with a woman and they have sex and create a baby -a new person.
So there is a reason why a man can get sexually attracted to a woman and vice verca. I don't think this is just a coincidence or a result by chance. It is meant to be. What do you think? This is an important question. Is the sexual affection between a man and a woman meant to be? Is it supposed to be? I think so. There is nothing wrong with this. It's natural and God's plan for life.
A homosexual person can not be atracted to a person of the opposite sex so this goes against God's plan and God's will. I have lived as a homosexual person for 20 years and have only had sex and love relations with men. For just the latest years I have changed so I have become a little bisexual. I was terrified when I first realized this. Sexual feelings for girls, me? No! this can't be true. I'm gay! Away with this! Heeelp!
Now I only see this as a positive thing and I think it's from God. I had an inner process that started in october/November 2013 where I felt that I should leave the homosexual lifestyle because it's a sin accoring to God and the Bible. And this is what I have done since then. You can say that this process started already in the summer of 2013 when I felt that God was trying to tell me something. I don't feel that I hate myself like I used to do before during similar occasions. I think this is God working in me.

How much can we afford to compromise and still being sure of eternal salvation?
The question is worth a thought or two. Is the Bible only a fairy tail and a bunch of fantasies?
Or is it about heaven or hell for real? For you? for me? for us all? I think so.
If sins are not so important for God, then why did Jesus die on the cross? For fun?
Universal salvation sounds good but is it true? I don't think so. It does not fit with the Bible.


And just as it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment,
Hebrews 9:27


For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 6:23


"Not everyone who calls out to me, 'Lord! Lord!' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter.
Matthew 7-21



Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and your neighbor as yourself
Matthew 22:37-39